Boil and Trouble

So I had the opportunity to attend V-Day V to the Tenth this weekend in New Orleans. I.e., a bunch of women, some of them super famous such as Oprah, talking about their vadges (or in the case of Oprah and her disciples, their va-jay-jays). I decided not to go for a few reasons: 1. My friend who was supposed to go didn't go, B) I was not on paid assignment, and B.2) At this point, I've heard enough women talking about their vadges. No need to go out of my way to hear more if not getting paid.

Instead, I did something I'd never done before: I went to a crawfish boil.
Hi, I'm Colleen Kane. I used to be a strict vegan! Then I ate delicious cheese again. (No regrets.) Then I moved to Louisiana, and now apparently I will eat cockroaches of the sea boiled together with various items such as sausage. (Regrets, I had a few.) Here I am being menaced by a giant crawfish. After the jump, thousands of his kinsman, slaughtered and devoured!Won't you join me?

So, after the sculpture of the giant crawfish, which you'll see is entitled "Crawfish," the next sight at the boil amounted to a crawdad holocaust.

Seeing that kid playing with a cooler-ful of live critters with their pincers, beady eyes, and antennae didn't exactly get my appetite stimulated. Nor did seeing them get poured by the hundreds into hot kettles. Here's what the end result looks like. Or, really, here's what the middle stage looks like.

The makeup of the one-kettle meal seemed to be about 90% crawfish and the rest was potatoes, corn, mushrooms, lemon, garlic, and onions, some sausage I guess, and of course, a generous amount of spices. (They sell it in local markets by the throw-pillow-sized bag for just such occasions.)

As part of Operation: Try at Least Some Louisiana Cuisine, All of Which Contains Some Sort of Animal, I was game to try this. I made the fiance do the dirty work, though. And it was quite a bit of work for the little bit of edible part you get.

(If you're a crazy Cajun, you're supposed to suck the spices out of the head part. Oh hell no.) And...it was fine. But it's not my cup of crustacean, so I was over it by a few minutes into the event, gnawing away on a too-spicy red potato and/or corn cob segment. Everyone else, however, was splitting crawdad after crawfish like there was no tomorrow. Me: "Am I the only asshole here wearing heels?" Fiance: "Of course."

Time to go hang out with some pastoral f'in cows.  Hey guys, I'm your friend! I don't eat you.  ...Yet!

So then we took a trip back to our place with our pal Jonathan, who just moved here last week from Nashville. Jonathan was like, "I have this job offer in Baton Rouge. Should I move there? Let me see if there are any blogs in Baton Rouge." He found my blog, contacted me, I showed him around a little bit, and despite all that, he still moved here. So now it's his first week living here and he came to the crawfish boil with us. Jonathan makes me feel slightly better about living here because it's kind of like my freshman year, however difficult it was, is over, and now we're not the newest ones here! Now he is like, "What is going on?" and fiance and I are like "Oh, just wait."

So. Back making a pit stop at our place, we were on our way out again when Cooper was going too fast, got tangled in a cord, and pulled my laptop off my desk. You know, the computer that I make my living with? I pretty much knew immediately that the monitor was shot...again. The monitor that I had just charged $500 to fix back in January. The monitor that had broken when Cooper knocked it to the floor last summer, back when it was the bf's computer.

[canned laughter]

Seriously. I made some attempts to be miserable about this particular trial, but after enough computer trouble, what can you do but go on a murderous rampage laugh. The splintered screen actually looked kind of organically pretty.

Life went on, even though I now no longer had a way to earn my living. We returned to the crawfish boil with the dog who had ruined my life, who would be grounded if he only understood what he had done. I felt decidedly less like socializing and more like just going catatonic like Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off after his dad's precious sports car gets destroyed.

And then I had to admit what a beautiful day it was to be lounging around in a field with good people and a beautiful view and a bunch of dogs running around.
Cooper, true to form, was being a total assclown, trying to hump other dogs and humans, and attempting about every few minutes to take a dump in front of the remaining folks at the boil who weren't playing volleyball. While attempting this business, his lipstick would inevitably emerge from hiding. Thus, Cooper brought shame on the family, as usual. It was a good time to say, as we have many times in the past, We probably shouldn't have children. What if we had human children and they liked to take dumps in front of audiences while also sexually aroused? What if they also destroyed Mommy's career by wrecking her computer? And we'd love those jerk kids anyway, because what else are you going to do?  Also on this day, Cooper met the black Lab Maggie, who is slated to become his babymommy when we breed him later this year. I took the opportunity to say, Why are we breeding this dog? So his progeny can destroy my future computers? Awesome.

[canned laughter]

Then someone brought a goat named Dixie, whose arse-end was the most obscene sight I've witnessed since leaving the porno office. But whose front end was super adorable.

I want a goat. That's the only kid I want right now.

I hooked the laptop up to a flatscreen monitor we inherited. But true to form, there has to be some weirdo quirk to any computer system I ever have. This time around, everything appears too big on the screen, so it's like I have this Fisher-Price computer for little kids. So if anyone reading this  has a sweet hookup for me, say a 25% employee discount at Mac, and wants to hook a sister up, I would not be opposed. If not, I'm fine for now.

Yep, juuuuuust fine.

Comments

[jew]

You are so calm! I wonder if this is a 'serenity now' (insanity later) situation, or if living in LA has... mellowed you?! I almost got into a fight with a large hispanic man this morning because i screamed FUCK YOU DICKHOLE and flipped off his car when he motioned for me to get out of the road in front of him.

[alex v cook]

I ran into a friend that rigs lights for events like this and he said Oprah pulled out at the 11th hour, and subsequently so did most of the a-list people, so yeah, I think you made the right choice. For you and your V.

and I'm a lifer here and I don't suck the heads, so no shame in your game.

[barngirl]

fiance can get a student discount with mac, but no 25%. I saved 200 and change with my educator status...oh just one of the many perks.

Fabulous day. The lipstick is one of the reasons I think I can't have dogs. Aren't we funny opposites...

[Austin]

your broken screen looks kind of like a bug smooshed on a wall.

maybe it's like one of those Rorschach ink-blots and i'm just doomed to see dead bugs.

[Lioux]

OMG!!!

You should get lots and lots of goats so you can walk around while gloating things like: "Yea. I take care of MY kids!" and stuff.

[Lioux]

Oh. And what is the difference between a crawFISH and a crawDAD?

[cokane]

jew, i hope it's not the calm before the storm.

alex vc, damn! she pulled out of the vag, huh? not good, O.

barngirl, yeah too bad the f already used his one mac discount for the year.

austin, it looked to me like branches with leaves. i guess i'm just a giant hippie.

lioux! great idea! also, i don't know if there is a difference, but i bet someone reading this will. i just like using old-tymey words, and crawdad seems to fall into that category.

[andrea]

i've been to crawfish boils and they are sooo fun! i love sucking the brains, so tasty! i love your blog, always makes me happy!

[Big Daddy]

Last time I was at a boil, I had three before I got ick'd out and frustrated that all that work produced so little food.

[Alison/Lilshametongue]

You ate SPIDER...FROM THE DEEP.

On a related note, I justify eating beef because cows have actually come up to me in pastures and asked me to eat them. Same with chickens and turkey-lurkeys on farms, etc. But yesterday, marketing at Bayonne's simply PALATIAL Super Stop 'N' Shop...I wanted to free every overcrowded, clueless-looking lobster in the seafood department's tank. I even asked the teen Abercrombie Adonis behind the counter to free them for me when he asked, "Can I help you?"

Also, apparently, it's okay to boil something to death for consumption, right in front of your very eyes, if it's not at all "cute looking" at any stage of its life.

[Alistair]

I gotta admit, after living in Louisiana 26 some-odd years, I have yet to develop a taste for crawfish. Okay, I guess I do enjoy the occasional etouffee or bisque, but just right out of the shell? Not my thing.

I usually stick to the potatoes, corn, and mushrooms -- but one thing you have to watch out for is the damage all those spices can do to your lips. If you are doing the veggie thing at one of these boils, BE SURE TO BRING YOUR CARMEX!

[kartek]

Sorry to hear about you computer tragedy. I feel your pain. Although you don't think there's a chance that Coop and laptop were in cahoots. Y'know like a jack kevorkian type thing.

Please please tell me you yelled "hey moo cow moo" at those cows

[vl100butch]

and you haven't admitted to eating a shrimp po-boy yet.....

or shrimp and artichoke soup.....

i'll talk to my computer friends in the am, just got home....

[amy]

those new mac laptops have the magnetic plugs that are coop-proof. check craigslist for cheap-o's.

i'm going to make you a goat-cheese plate for the next boil. leave your lipstick at home but i'll wear heels if you want me to.

[cokane]

Andrea, thanks! I dig your blog, too.

Big Daddy, I know, right!?

Alison, as usual you are the most astute/clev commenter. Are you on Blogger yet?! MySpace is deadsville.

Alistair, so THAT's what's wrong with my lips, and the fiance's lips! We thought it was sunburn. I've been balming it like crazy, to little avail. Are you on Blogger yet?! MySpace is deadsville.

Kartek, I'm sorry, I forgot. I was too busy enduring their staredown.

Butch, I know, but this was the grossest of my fish-eating experiment, so it had to be blogged.

Amy, mmm...those new macs... and mmm...cheese plate...

[ecs]

That post just designed your Christmas card for you. Coop takin' dumps, you looking catatonic in heels, the f looking sleep-deprived: Merry Christmas from the Assholes.

I love you guys.

[Jules]

So you are eating sausage and rodents of the sea (no head yet though) and now you want a goat. LOL holy shit you really did move to the deep south.

[jason]

yeay!
congratulations!
This is an important step in Louisiana-hood.

[therese]

Even if you don't have to deal with the Cooper Factor, that magnetic plug on the new Macs is a lifesaver.

[Austin]

there is no difference between a crawfish and a crawdad. just a dialectic term. they're called crayfish by most of the world, just not here in the south.

[beatrix]

i've never eaten a crustacean in my life (no, not a single shrimp. i've tried, but the texture just gets me) and my pet peeve about these boils is people try to say that it's a "cultural experience" and that i'm so unadventurous for not eating one. that would not happen to a vegetarian at a bbq, people.

on the veggie crawfish boil option, are they overwhelmed by crustaceal juices or just pleasantly spicy?

[beatrix]

also, where is that horrifying statue?

[Trey]

There's an old saying that I just made up: if it's too spicy, you're being a pu$$y. ;-)

[cokane]

ecs, we love you too! and you know you have to make that christmas card for us now.

jules, i did not eat the sausage. i just indirectly had some of its juices, as i'm sure everyone who's eaten at a non vegetarian restaurant has done. we really did move to the deep south, though.

jason, thanks!

therese, i love that plug.

austin, that's right, i used to call them crayfish.

beatrix, not too crustacial, but i'd say on the veggies it was unpleasantly spicy. and i like me some spice. this was just aggressively spicy. this was at some LSU-related environmental area on ben hur road off nicholson.

trey, haha! i am still applying my lip balm every five minutes. and i like spice! i've never had it fry my lip moisture out, though.

[the cajun boy]

my mouth and my underwear are moist right now. geez!