Weekend, part two: we're really not in Brooklyn anymore, Cooper

On Sunday, the f and I went on some errands that took us near the new hunting/outdoors superstore Cabela's. So we decided to have another cultural experience. Starting in the parking lot, Cabela's did not disappoint.

What did disappoint was the Tanger outlet mall, the reason we were in the area. The f's jeans, purchased at the regular mall less than six months ago, are disintegrating already, so we were hoping to find a better-quality pair for a decent price at this collection of stores. The only shops that might hold any reasonable choices, we thought, were Guess? and Levi's (not quite ready to "go there" with Lee or Wrangler yet, despite the f being one tough customer). Both had such crummy quality of product that it launched me into one of my Crap-Obsessed Lady From Five Easy Pieces modes. I tried on a pair of lightweight capris that turned out to already have two rips in each leg. Guess? how long the clothes in this store will last? In the case of the flimsy jeans that the f purchased to my dismay, we guess 6 months max. Grr.

After outlet angst, I pushed to check out this "Cajun town" that's heavily advertised at the next exit south on the interstate, as they call it here, or as we call it, Route 10. We knew it would be touristy terrible, and I knew I'd get in trouble with my commenters for being lured in by the highway signs, but I was just curious. So right off the highway there was a ridiculous tourist-trap compound of shoppes that the f wouldn't even stop at (I thought there might be potential blogging gold hidden somewhere there) but we continued on following signs for some plantation that we never reached, because after the second ten-minutes-apart sign leading us to the plantation our doom, we figured forget it.

It was a cool drive, though. It seemed like real Louisiana, old Schlitz sign from the '60s and all. I need to go back and steal that sign without getting killed, so I can sell it in Williamsburg for $3,000 to some jerkoff opening a new bar.

Anyway! Then we checked out Cabela's.

Cabela's is huge, full of taxidermied animal carcasses, camping, tailgating, and hunting supplies, and--perhaps most sexily-- ammunition.

There is enough ammo at this Cabela's to prepare the f and I for at least one zombie apocalypse, so I now know where to supply shop in the event that I get an early tipoff on such an upcoming fiasco. But since I imagine most regular people do not get any sort of "heads up" on such things, I would probably have to be off to Ye Olden Neighborhoode Pawnne Shoppe for supplies, where hopefully their Mother's Day Sale would still be in effect.

Cabela's is a multimedia experience. I'd categorize their offerings as such: Education, Outdoor Preparedness, Blowing Shit Into Kingdom Come, and Cooking Up the Shit What Got Blown Away in the Outdoors.

On the education front, Cabela's boasts an aquarium, where they helpfully demonstrate an underwater camera for fishermen. (I would file this device next to the hunting lure product called "C'mere Deer!" in the subcategory of "Totally Cheating Against Creatures Which Presumably Have Inferior Brain Capacities," which would fall under the umbrella of Blowing Shit Into Kingdom Come.) They also offer helpful nature scenarios, such as this creepazoid robot.

And there's also this scene, featuring some sort of lioness chowing down on a yak while simultaneously airborne. She is/was a multi-tasker.

I haven't even touched on the topic yet of the Colossal Mountain of Taxidermied Hunting Trophies Past, which depicts way too many creatures coexisting at once. The underlying theme, of course, being "...just before they got unexpectedly murdered--probably by you, the outdoorsman shopper!"

Well, you never see the bullet or arrow with your name on it, right, Colossal Mountain of Taxidermied Hunting Trophies Past?

That is, of course, unless you see the bullet or arrow that's stuck in your body as you struggle to die. But enough of that--please just note the bear dangling the goat corpse on the left-hand side of this photo. Black and/or grizzly bears capture nimble goats on mountainsides to eat them, right? While a flamboyantly gay polar bear presides to the right-hand side of the scene, saying, "Oh No You di-int, Grizzly and/or Black Bear." I'm pretty sure this is factually accurate.

Either way, this family of three had a good old time playing Big Buck Hunter, just like the kids do back home in Brooklyn.

And now, here are some scenes from the Blowing Shit Into Kingdom Come category.

The crossbow department , featuring 100% more crossbows than have been experienced in my previous 30-plus years of real, non-movie life. And here's the Camo department. IF YOU CAN SEE IT!!!! ah hah hahahahaha. 

There is, God bless 'em, a Jersey-shore-by-way-of-Old-West- style (or vice versa) shooting range at this store...
...as well as hunting rag dolls for little girls... 

...pink BB guns for little girls (I want would have wanted one!), and finally the upstairs held some home decor and culinary surprises.

With these two sculptures, we go direct to the artistic apex of nature's dignity: a howling wolf and a noble bear. If only that noble bear were dangling a howling wolf in its mouth over a cliff, as a silhouette in front of a full moon. Perhaps with a dolphin leaping in the distance. Now that--that would be noble. The upper level had a cafe offering Rt. 10 roadkill elk, ostrich, and venison. But if you're not hankering for that...YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK if you choose this Jeff Foxworthy brand jerky. The final section we went through was the guns 'n' ammo section. There was a mom there--on Mother's Day-- with her family selecting a palm-sized handgun, and bemoaning about the current tiny model in her hand that it would take too long to get her hand around it. I'm really not sure what danger scenario she was imagining. But happy Mother's Day to that lady.

We also saw an ammo display declaring , "The strut stops here!" with a picture of a turkey on it. That's right, turkeys, the strutting temptresses of the wild. You know all that unchecked lumbering around you've been doing up until now? Over! Take that, you large targets with the walnut-sized brains. Kablammo. Totally vaporized you!

Final stop was the gun museum of Cabela's, featuring antique guns and a visiting antique man on a Cabela's-issue Rascal (I've never seen as many Rascals in my life since moving to the South, BTW). Your man was wearing a Civil War-style leather cap and lamenting to the curator/host dude, "Since my health went down, I ain't busted a cap in I don't know how long."

On the way out, we passed a disheveled, almost hobo-looking scraggly-haired Southern dude, and the f said, "That's what everyone in Williamsburg strives to look like."

It was true. Our strut stopped just near the lightning-bolt-and-skulls-emblazoned pickup, at the f's comparatively plain pickup.

Comments

[Austin]

you should have stayed around long enough to get the signature of whoever owned that truck. from the looks of it it must have been stone cold steve austin.

btw, it seems kind of dumb to have a spiderweb grill- think of all the bugs that'll get stuck there!

[Elizabeth]

Shooting guns in fun! (But not shooting critters.)

and while I don't condone shooting any critters, I must point out that wild turkeys are completely different from farmed turkeys: they're fast, wiley and smart. Why do you think ole Ben Franklin wanted them to be our national bird?

[Lioux]

Sweet RIDE!!!!

Did it have a gun rack on the back with pink BB guns for little girls?!?!!!

[roopa]

Sounds like an, um, educational field trip. I wonder if the outdoors store out in the suburbs here is anything like that. Did you know that western MD is hillbilly-ville? It abuts West Virginia, so western MD-ers are probably similar to the folk you encountered this weekend. I should totally go there sometime soon.

[Ellen]

I went to a Cabela's in PA a few years ago thinking it would be a laugh-riot, which it was. But it also made me want to cry a lot. I would have screamed in horror if I came across that hunter-bot. Yikes!
And I normally love robots, but not that creep. You should register there for your bridal shower.

[andrea]

I love that you and the f were/are always
prepared for zombies... us too! you never know.

and i wonder if you could order those hunting rag dolls in the catalog... i'll
have to check it out. very "you ain't shooting my ass in this outfit" kind of a
doll, you think?

[vl100butch]

What I find amusing is there is a Cabela's on I-78 inbetween Harrisburg and Allentown (less than 150 miles from Williamsburg).

Having lived in central Pennsylvania and central Maryland for over 20 years, I can say without a doubt that more rednecks live in that part of the world than Louisiana....

and if you ever have the pleasure of visiting Romulus, New York....you will know that Bunkie, Louisiana is full of sophisticated and erudite people in comparasion....

You'd probably get a better price on a gun at ye olde neighborhood pawne shoppe....

[Trey]

That place seems scary. I don't think I have the balls to even enter it. I'd be worried that I'd fall into the sights of some gun-totin' hippy-killin' redneck.

Although I guess I'm not that much of a hippie.

Whatever.

[cokane]

Austin, we should have, but he might have crushed our own skulls for being near his ride.

E, really? I agree that shooting guns but not critters is fun.

Lioux, I think it had a rack for guns for shooting at little girls and sitting on them. jk.

Ellen, haha! I would actually want some outdoorsy things they have...

Butch--oh yeah--I've been to Pennsyltucky. I have KIN there! Well, they're not in the boonies. Is there really somewhere called Bunkie? And I probably would get a better deal--Cabela's was rather expensive--$10 for a cheapo rag doll?

[JDizzle]

Thanks for the laugh. Speaking as a red neck in my previous life, I understand the appeal of these places. Oh yea, and rednecks scare me now.

[Lioux]

Oh. And as an active member of PETSA®™©™ [People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals] I find the conditions of the 'rag doll' bin just deplorable.

And I know. Our organization sounds delicious.

PETSA®™©™.

[vl100butch]

Bunkie is inbetween Lafayette and Alexandria, US 71 runs right through it (used to be a major speed trap)....if you take I-49, there is an exit for it.

[Maine Man]

"noble bear dangling a howling wolf in its mouth over a cliff, as a silhouette in front of a full moon. Perhaps with a dolphin leaping in the distance"
i believe I saw this scene in tattoo form recently. bitchin.

[evier]

I can't believe you went there. I've lived in BR for almost 4 years, grew up in the South (although people here swear I'm a Yankee), and I would never ever go there. This is from a person who nearly flunked 1 6-wks of 7th grade science because she refused to go to the shooting range to get her hunting license (yes, this was required where I went to school). Anyway, the idea of going there or the freakin' Bass Pro Shop is more than I can bear. You are a brave, brave soul.

[amy]

omg best blog ever!

[Latham]

Ellen is right you should register there for your wedding. Amy and I got a gift cert to Cabela's for our wedding and we got her a nice set of fishing gear,and thre is nothing wrong with camping stuff. PS the Cabela's in PA has the exact same floor plan including creepy Mcgee.

[sunta73]

Great Post, Colleen! What a riot! I can't believe Jeff Foxworthy has his own jerky! The shooting range ala boardwalk style, the f'n camo rag dolls & pink BBs... the fun never ends! LOL!
When is the F going to trick his truck? :)

[Kettle]

A couple months ago I made a trip with some friends to Denham Springs to the Bass Pro Shop. Much the same. Except when we went there was a funnel cake stand out front. It made me feel like I was going into an amusement park.

[Kartek]

I was going to say that store reminds me a many storied store of a similar nature out in PA. But someone beat me to the punch. Oh and it's a water buffalo the lionness that's chomping on its neck. Water buffs are notoriously nasty creatures. The question is whether you guys actually bought anything there?

[meanieT]

Wow, how funny! My mother-in-law took my son to a Cabela's and got him a Cabela's SWEATSHIRT!!

She told me there were animals there and I thought it was a petting zoo!

[jason]

Genius reporting there. I totally want a pink gun now.

[ayem8y]

Poor gay polar bear stuffed and on display forever to be ridiculed by redneck bullies.

[kamagra]

The polar bear is one of the animals in more danger of extinction we have to protect him and respect his environment.