European Vacation: Holland

Where to even begin posting about several weeks of recent travels? First, a little about why we were in Europe. In the interest of seeing new places, I had resolved that my next trip abroad would be to a new continent I hadn't visited before. But the f's summer program took place in Holland, and damned if I was going to sit inside hiding from the statewide sauna outside without joining him over there once his program was done. And though I'd traveled around there before, this time Europe still had plenty to reveal.

The fiance met me at the Amsterdam airport and we went back to the apartment he'd rented. Here is one of, uh, only about three money-saving tips for traveling in Europe at this time of the feeble dollar: It was cheaper to rent this amazing apartment via Craigslist than to get a hotel room.

 

The steps led up to the bedroom, which featured this sex swing. Or gripping handles. Or whatever it was.

 

Hey, you know, I imagine many Americans might hide their sex props from renters, but they're more open about things over there.

Another refreshing jog to the memory was how casually stylish so many locals were as they zipped around on bikes--women on bikes in skirts and heels? Thumbs up. And the locals weren't half-bad looking, either. For the first time in too long, the f was finding himself new girlfriends among the passerby, as I selected a few new boyfriends.

That's not to say that everybody had it together fashion-wise; far from it. I compiled a list of fashion crimes we spotted multiple times over there which could be its own blog post. Here's one of the first: The old socks-with-sandals maneuver.

But at least we could be happy about one thing: we had escaped the tyranny of living in a culture obsessed by football. 

Right? Wrong. We were now in a culture obsessed with football...the soccer kind. The day I arrived was the big match of Holland vs Italy for the Euro 08 title.

We started to get a sense of just how big a deal this was when we saw that all Dutch people were setting up shop in different bars to watch the game decked out in all manner of orange clothing and accessories, including of course the mandatory wacky boas, oversized hats, and wigs.

We wrapped up our first day of walking around at gametime with a few fancy ales at an outdoor cafe, at the juncture of several streets on a canal. When Holland made their first goal, the cheer that arose from all around us was louder than midnight on some New Year's Eves I've experienced, and even after it ended at our bar, the roar continued to rumble toward us from every direction. The fiance described it as more intense than the roars from Tiger Stadium that his studio had been in close proximity to all last season.

From that vantage point, we discovered the Dutch version of tailgating:

After taking in some of the spectacle,

We figured we had a better chance of getting inside another bar back in our neighborhood. There, at our block's bar, we barely squeezed into the orange-clad revelers for the rest of the game. And there we also realized that 1) Heineken is much better in Holland and 2) football (when it means soccer) is actually pretty interesting, even exciting, to watch. (Background info for newcomers: I hate sports.) For me, it boiled down to three things: 1) I understood what was going on, 2) it went pretty fast, and 3) A lot of the players were hot, in uniforms offering unobstructed views of their faces and shapely legs.

And lo: Holland won. The room exploded, and all fans danced to Tina Turner's "Simply the Best," which blasted over the sound system. This Lite-FM-style song choice, apparently, was funny only to the f and I. A fellow reveler took this opportunity to show off the special "roaring" feature of his T-shirt. It was one of these babies:

I am shocked that I have not seen this type of shirt among the LSU Tiger merchandise available at every supermarket, Wal-Mart, and the LSU bookstore. If some entrepreneur takes this idea to Baton Rouge and makes a jillion dollars on it, don't forget where you first saw that idea and all the hours of entertainment I provide.

We concluded the long day (it didn't get dark until like 10:30 pm) over dinner in our apartment. And then, because some of the bloggers who like totally blog about my blog have claimed that I judge cultures by watching TV, we judged the culture by watching some super weirdo Dutch TV.

Here's a snippet of one of the standouts of the crop, "Naked and Funny" (NSFW):If you are at work and can't watch this, never fear. Ya see the premise is, show boobies to unsuspecting passerby, then play a boi-oi-oinnngg sound effect as hilarity ensues! I kind of can't believe this show is not already in America on Skinemax.

The next day, we picnicked in lovely Vondelpark with wine from the wine store, fresh bread from the bakery, and from the cheese shop, incredible aged Gouda cheese with the crunchy bits in it, which is just called "old cheese" over there. (I'll stick to calling it Gouda.) Perfect.

Part of the learning process of visiting foreign lands is having to go about your business of buying things or finding things that you need, with the twist of not speaking the language. Thanks to the luxury of renting an apartment we even got to do a load of laundry in-house. But first we had to decipher how to work the machine, which was labeled all in Dutch. First task, which compartment to pour the detergent into? "This one has had some blue stuff in it before..I've never seen blue fabric softener, so..." but then the f put detergent in all three compartments, solving that problem. Then it was time to set the dials, which featured words like: Fijne was Zijde Kreukherstellend Afpompen Vlekken, and one word comprised entirely of umlauts, which we lacked the vocal agility to ever attempt pronouncing. We chose the setting called "Quick + Mix" because it was the least scary. Then, time to start the wash cycle. The f started turning a nearby faucet with a blue dot on it. "How about just pushing 'Start'?" I asked. And that/s why they pay me the big bucks. Words are my business.

Next, we took a train about an hour south to Rotterdam. Our Turkish, budget-conscious hotel was recommended by the tourist office, and when we got there, we saw why it might need that little boost in clientele. We had gone from a chic, modern apartment to...uh...what I guess is Turkish decor? I will call it ambitious. It attempted to tie in many different colors and patterns at once.

Those black shapes in the photo above (if you still retain the faculty of vision after witnessing the top half of the photo) are the headboards of our pushed-together twin beds, which BTW was the bed setup everywhere we went, once we left the loft bedroom with the fun-time swing. And below, I bring you the entrance to the bathroom. Please note the four different colors of glass cubes. 

Last but not least, the WC.

Every time I sat upon that ebony-and-ivory-checkered throne, the seat of which was too small for the toilet so that it would slant toward either side of the bowl under my weight, I contemplated the following: Someone, somewhere in Rotterdam, had removed whatever plain seat presumably came with this toilet originally and replaced it with this one, because they were sure it went with whatever decorating scheme they had in mind, even though the seat wasn't an exact match size-wise.

Truth be told, it took a few days to get into the travel groove after the stressed work mode I'd been in at home, and this hotel was no help. It gave me the fear. I lived with the thought that they (the Hotel People) most likely had at least one camera trained on our room interior. We now may be on the Turkish Internet; good thing I don't know how to find that.

The football game when we were in this city was Switzerland vs Turkey, and as you may have guessed from the hotel, we were in the Turkish section of town. Turkey won, so we had a good hour or so of horns honking, yelling passerby, and general celebration. So far we were two for two with our local game wins.

In contrast to the beautiful weather we had in Amsterdam, for much of our short time there, Rotterdam looked like this:

At some point waiting for a tram, I sat on some bad wet piece of Euro-tagging and it transferred to the bum of my only pair of jeans.

Now my butt looked like it was auditioning for a video by DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince or New Kids on the Block.

Although it was rainy, it was perfect for museum-going. The Netherlands Architecture Institute wasn't very exciting. But what was a thrill for yours truly was right next door: the Sonneveld House, a meticulously restored avant garde home from 1933 in the Nieuwe Bouwen style. I had a nerd attack in there. Easily my favorite sight in the city.

Lest we leave this Holland post on too highbrow of a note, at the Cubic Houses, I also took this picture of a kitty in a window!

It looked at me!

Comments

[ecs]

Umlauts = metal! Your washing machine was metal.

[therese]

I would have had a nerd attack at the Sonneveld House as well. Those chairs!!!!!

[vl100butch]

hmmmmmmmm.....i see there is still work to be done....oh well, you have two more football seasons in baton rouge....you need to introduce the f to chicageaux...

i promise to shotgun one beer in your presence...

omg, gouda cheese on fresh brotchen....almost as good as fresh beginets....

as far as the shirts are concerned...a louisiana version would most probably feature an alligator...

[queencarlotta]

Whoa, Tittenalarm! That TV show reminds me of Valie Export--I think they ripped her off. (I guess there is no amusing jiggling male nudity on TV, even in Holland. Figures.)

[Amanda]

Re: foreigners free with their sex lives (or at least porn) - we did, remember, happen to know some terrifying hungarians with a penchant for super 8 films. Films about sex swings, at that. And bubbles.

Ahem.

As for soccer, I knew you could get into it!! It's way more fun when it's an entire country you're rooting for, not just Minneapolis vs. Ohio (no offense to either place, I just have no ties to either area and therefore no interest). Even states I do have ties to don't have any draw, helped along by commercial breaks for Sears tool dept. and crap beer. At least soccer you can check out the dudes and watch them throw temper tantrums, and then get yellow carded for bad behavior. Some are more ornery than others. And we had SO MUCH FUN throwing our World Cup party for 2006, as did our guests who liked soccer and those who were clueless. My challenge to you is to, by the next one (2010), get sufficiently interested so that you can attend my next one. Deal? Bonus: You'll probably - definitely - get drunk.

[Lioux]

OMG!!!

I am glad you are back!

Jason and I were almost homeless for a day in Amsterdam. We checked out of our hotel while under the influence of their 'culture'.

We had forgotten what date we were supposed to have left and checked ourselves out a day too early.

[andrea]

great post...

thanks for the nice words about young lina!

[Austin]

so what did your butt say?

[Big Daddy]

Oh man.

That wallpaper in the Turkish room is crazy.

I think it gave me vertigo.

[Trey]

I was travelling Europe during Euro 2000. That shite was nuts.

[suntawrites]

Welcome Home!
What a fantastic post! You cracked me up with "big bucks" comment, THE SEX PULL/SWING!, your butt, and that toilet! And, OMG, the socks with sandals which is so popular here in Florida... Way too many things to list... just know I enjoyed reading this tremendously!

[jason]

Dear Sinter Klaus,

I want that blokker brulshirt, (but in puce)
The ebony and ivory toilet seat (as is),
the over-the-bed trapeze bar,
(to do my 50 pre-sleep chin ups, of course)
and a pair of the new graffiti fashion jeans, low rise please.

Danke

[meanieT]

Glad you're back. You need to start selling "Dutch Graffiti Jeans". You know that shit would sell.

[kartek]

Sounds like you had a great trip. Plus you got an authentic dutch souvenir on your jeans. I got one in Amsterdam except it's called almost sitting on a wet paint chair with only minor paint damage as my cousin tugged at me at the final second before I sat fully down.

[Jules]

This was probably my most favorite post you have ever written. :) Loved it from beginning to end.

I must mention that checking out the "fashion don't" made me chuckle when I looked at the larger version. Cannabis starter kits are so cheap there!

Loved the butt too. And you're right, very handsome people in Holland judging from that bar shot.

I bet you miss that toilet. :)

[Hotels in Amsterdam]

Was that really a sex swing? Maybe it was a chin up bar, for helping you out of bed in the morning.