Here is a letter I wrote the other day that I am sending in the mail to American Express.
How are you? I see that I have two letters from you in today's mail. It's already a day of note because I found out the editor I work with at the magazine that pays me the best freelance rates got laid off. (You could say a check from that publication saved Christmas. Oh well, guess that's the end of that, and shortly thereafter, the end of magazines.)
Letter one from you today, AmEx, was my credit card statement. I owe slightly less of a minimum payment than last time. I like that. It gives the impression that one is making a dent. That is something I care about: paying down my debt.
Letter two from you today, AmEx, was a letter telling me why you are lowering my credit limit. It includes all sorts of reasons such as my total debt is too high, and my Experian credit score.
If this sounds familiar, AmEx, it's because you already sent me this letter last fall. Message received loud and clear back then! I get it! I am a dirtbag! I'm sure this development has nothing to do with you credit lenders extending too much credit and then being afraid you'll be left holding the bag as the economy crumbles.
And so, AmEx, I say: Good! I don't WANT any more credit, you jerks. And as soon as I pay this debt off, I will never use your services again.
Also, I am writing to remind you of your abysmal friend rating. It is universally acknowledged that hardly any businesses accept the American Express card. They don't want you either.
How many friends do you have on Facebook? I have 284, although by the time you read this I will most likely have more. I see that you have 0 friends on Facebook. But you do have around 5,000 "fans." Johnny Knoxville has around 602,000 fans on Facebook, and he's famous for getting heavy objects dropped on his nuts. Also in that range of more than half a million fans are a drunk cartoon robot named Bender, a drunk cartoon dog named Brian, and a dopey cartoon starfish named Patrick. You've been around for 158 years and you have 5,000 fans to show for it.
You might have more money, AmEx, but I have more friends, and according to the angel in It's a Wonderful Life, "No man is poor who has friends."
How does it feel to have such a low friend rating? Maybe you can tell me in your next letter, but if you WB again, please tell me something other than the news that you have lowered my credit limit. I got that memo already.
I'm going to send them two copies.