Here is a letter I wrote the other day that I am sending in the mail to American Express.
Dear American Express,
How are you? I see that I have two letters from you in today's mail. It's already a day of note because I found out the editor I work with at the magazine that pays me the best freelance rates got laid off. (You could say a check from that publication saved Christmas. Oh well, guess that's the end of that, and shortly thereafter, the end of magazines.)
Letter one from you today, AmEx, was my credit card statement. I owe slightly less of a minimum payment than last time. I like that. It gives the impression that one is making a dent. That is something I care about: paying down my debt.
Letter two from you today, AmEx, was a letter telling me why you are lowering my credit limit. It includes all sorts of reasons such as my total debt is too high, and my Experian credit score.
If this sounds familiar, AmEx, it's because you already sent me this letter last fall. Message received loud and clear back then! I get it! I am a dirtbag! I'm sure this development has nothing to do with you credit lenders extending too much credit and then being afraid you'll be left holding the bag as the economy crumbles.
And so, AmEx, I say: Good! I don't WANT any more credit, you jerks. And as soon as I pay this debt off, I will never use your services again.
Also, I am writing to remind you of your abysmal friend rating. It is universally acknowledged that hardly any businesses accept the American Express card. They don't want you either.
How many friends do you have on Facebook? I have 284, although by the time you read this I will most likely have more. I see that you have 0 friends on Facebook. But you do have around 5,000 "fans." Johnny Knoxville has around 602,000 fans on Facebook, and he's famous for getting heavy objects dropped on his nuts. Also in that range of more than half a million fans are a drunk cartoon robot named Bender, a drunk cartoon dog named Brian, and a dopey cartoon starfish named Patrick. You've been around for 158 years and you have 5,000 fans to show for it.
You might have more money, AmEx, but I have more friends, and according to the angel in It's a Wonderful Life, "No man is poor who has friends."
How does it feel to have such a low friend rating? Maybe you can tell me in your next letter, but if you WB again, please tell me something other than the news that you have lowered my credit limit. I got that memo already.
Sincerely,
Colleen Kane
How are you? I see that I have two letters from you in today's mail. It's already a day of note because I found out the editor I work with at the magazine that pays me the best freelance rates got laid off. (You could say a check from that publication saved Christmas. Oh well, guess that's the end of that, and shortly thereafter, the end of magazines.)
Letter one from you today, AmEx, was my credit card statement. I owe slightly less of a minimum payment than last time. I like that. It gives the impression that one is making a dent. That is something I care about: paying down my debt.
Letter two from you today, AmEx, was a letter telling me why you are lowering my credit limit. It includes all sorts of reasons such as my total debt is too high, and my Experian credit score.
If this sounds familiar, AmEx, it's because you already sent me this letter last fall. Message received loud and clear back then! I get it! I am a dirtbag! I'm sure this development has nothing to do with you credit lenders extending too much credit and then being afraid you'll be left holding the bag as the economy crumbles.
And so, AmEx, I say: Good! I don't WANT any more credit, you jerks. And as soon as I pay this debt off, I will never use your services again.
Also, I am writing to remind you of your abysmal friend rating. It is universally acknowledged that hardly any businesses accept the American Express card. They don't want you either.
How many friends do you have on Facebook? I have 284, although by the time you read this I will most likely have more. I see that you have 0 friends on Facebook. But you do have around 5,000 "fans." Johnny Knoxville has around 602,000 fans on Facebook, and he's famous for getting heavy objects dropped on his nuts. Also in that range of more than half a million fans are a drunk cartoon robot named Bender, a drunk cartoon dog named Brian, and a dopey cartoon starfish named Patrick. You've been around for 158 years and you have 5,000 fans to show for it.
You might have more money, AmEx, but I have more friends, and according to the angel in It's a Wonderful Life, "No man is poor who has friends."
How does it feel to have such a low friend rating? Maybe you can tell me in your next letter, but if you WB again, please tell me something other than the news that you have lowered my credit limit. I got that memo already.
Sincerely,
Colleen Kane
I'm going to send them two copies.
OMG!!! I hope you're charging AmEx your best freelance rate for writing them this AWESOME letter!
Posted by: Lioux | January 16, 2009 at 09:23 AM
Dear Ms. Kane,
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* Earn up to $150 in Gift Cards
* Earn one point for virtually every dollar you spend with the award-winning Membership Rewards® program
* Earn double points on travel for your first year; 1.5 points per eligible dollar thereafter?!
Apply Now.
Posted by: American Express®™©™ Rewards™ Gold® Card®™ | January 16, 2009 at 09:27 AM
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now on to essential information....i want to know about the pie test?????
i openly admit to being a sucker for a Hubig's apple pie microwaved for 25 seconds....
come on kane, it's a regional thing....what would you do if i brought you a case of tastycakes!!!!
Posted by: vl100butch | January 16, 2009 at 09:47 AM
You should start writing letters for angry consumers across the country. You would make money hand over fist.
Posted by: Maine Man | January 16, 2009 at 11:51 AM
Nice shot, CoKane.
I think Emily Dickinson also wrote a note to AmEx, to say her esteem for them had been lowered:
It dropped so low — in my Regard —
I heard it hit the Ground —
And go to pieces on the Stones
At bottom of my Mind —
Yet blamed the fate that flung it — less
Than I denounced Myself,
For entertaining Plated Wares
Upon my Silver Shelf.
Posted by: Jordaan | January 16, 2009 at 12:58 PM
NO ONE ACCEPTS AMEX. Which is a good thing, because a few times I've been about to buy something stupid and expensive and I have doubts about buying it....and then the card isn't accepted anyway.
Nice letter!
Posted by: MeanieT | January 16, 2009 at 01:10 PM
This is fucking beautiful.
Posted by: Jules | January 16, 2009 at 03:37 PM
Awesome.
Posted by: Big Daddy | January 16, 2009 at 03:53 PM
You are seriously crazed & funny! I love it! Especially like the Johnny Knoxville comment! Great writing!!!
Posted by: suntawrites | January 17, 2009 at 06:38 AM
can i jack this to send to citibank? i swear they insert random numbers on my student loan statements.
Posted by: blythe | January 17, 2009 at 02:43 PM
You should join Campus Federal while you are there. I've been with them since I was 15. There's just something awesome about a sweet lady with a really thick southern accent helping you get out of the mud when the freelance world goes crashing down on you. Trust.
Posted by: amy | January 18, 2009 at 09:12 AM
Genius!
May I copy it and send to...oh, any number of companies?
and heck, maybe even a few former dates....what the hell.
Posted by: jason | January 18, 2009 at 09:37 PM
Take that, you friendless plastic whore!
Posted by: ecs | January 21, 2009 at 08:54 PM
I wonder how many friends Visa has...
Posted by: Meryl Sheep | January 26, 2009 at 01:20 PM