Colleen Kane

Come Hear About Grown Up Life Skills

I am very fortunate to host a reading series at Union Hall called Show and Tell, and the next one is set for two days before my birthday, on Jan 17, which is also MLK day. The theme this month is Home Economics.

We have presentations on grooming! food! and fashion! from:

Giulia Rozzi

Kurt Opprecht

Brandy Barber

Kyle Supley

What kinds of "show" happens at Show and Tell? So far, presenters have shown photos, video, actual subject props from the stories being told, an eyewitness, live musical performance, letters, emails, pantomime, no-budget animation, and a horrifying poster. 

So, I know it's crap weather out, but do come. There's even a giveaway from Etsy shop DaSweetZpot,  where the winner can choose from prizes including handcrafted Italian jams and jellies, and an invention called the potato pouch, which allows you to microwave a potato in five minutes without it turning into a big weird wrinkle, and/or treats like chocolate fudge with chipotle, which looks like this when it's being made:

See? You are learning about home economics already.

It feels good to go to live shows in winter once you drag your arse out. If you won't make the show but want to show support, please like Show and Tell on Facebook.

 

First Month Back in Brooklyn

Because of our epic move back and unpacking and job hunting, I haven't written in a month. This does not make for a happy CoKane, so let's catch up.

Moving to NYC for the second time is a lot easier than it was moving here for the first time. We still have some friends left, we know what we're doing, we just lack the incomes to do all that we'd like to do. 

Perhaps you saw my tweets about the first night's drive of our move. I would've blown that story on careless blogging in the past, but that misadventure deserves its own essay--an essay it shall get. Just be glad I'm alive.

 

Jazz / Food Fest Sunday

The main attraction of Sunday at Jazz Fest was food.

Yeah, some old fart named Neil Young played, as did many other lesser-known old farts.

Actually Neil came out rocking (in the free world) and pretty much consistently rocked throughout his set except for the 10-minute plus version of "Down By the River." By the way, my iPod is haunted by that song. If you put it on shuffle it won't be long before that one comes up.

But anyway, food, glorious food. (Yes, that is an alligator in a po'boy bun.)

The Swayziest Christmas of Them All

You guys (not "you all"), I am FRIGGIN' stressed. So stressed I almost let fly one of the cusses that used to flow so easily from these fingertips. On top of being busy with work and extremely worried about finances, we are planning a wedding in another state. But whatever--we're up for that challenge.

However, fiance and I have also collaborated to make our own wedding invites, which is fun but is also like a 74-step process, and each step seems to involve waiting another day or several due to logistics. It's frustrating, because you know how when you have something big that needs doing, you just want to get it done already?

So finally, yesterday afternoon, through an incredible triumph of effort and the human spirit, I had a first batch ready to go out in the mail, and I rushed to get to the post office before they closed, arriving just after 4:30. 

And now, a quiz:

Which state capital closes a highly-trafficked post office branch at FOUR THIRTY P.M., NINE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS!?!??!?!?!

Did you guess it?

It's Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

I'm not surprised anymore, I'm just pissed. With business hours like this, the South really will not rise again.

And so, normal methods of relaxation aren't really cutting it lately. I might have to break out the big guns. 

Monday morning mishmash

I think when I found Addie, it was the beginning of an ongoing prank by the state of Louisiana. Good one, Louisiana. We have had some fun, you and I. I have made a little fun. But this was a brilliant revenge.

The fiance and I returned from a pleasant trip to the farmer's market Saturday morning to find the destruction committed by Addie, partially depicted here. 

She had gotten into the bottom shelf of our CDs and went ballistic, destroying numerous CDs including some kind of limited-edition Radiohead thing, not to mention a bunch of our Sonic Youth CDs, which is only one of our favorite bands. She had actually broken some of the CDs, which is really hard to do.

Will write for gouda

About those latest curbside acquisitions shown in the last post, the midcentury barber chair and hairdryer chair. I think it's funny to have them, but am not proud that I'm still, even after leaving New York, a bottom feeder on the consumption pyramid. I'd love to develop into a yuppie with a heart of gold. (Guppie?) Like, have the best cheeses known to civilization while being philanthropic. Donate the bulk of of my years-and-decades-old wardrobe and start over with a few choice pieces, like an adult with dignity. (Then, you know, continue to prowl around empty buildings like I'm in the Scooby-Doo gang.)

But how can you do that in this economy? I've done slightly better this year than anticipated/feared, but If I don't get paid by that folding magazine for my article they ran back in August, what's the recourse? The writers who linked to my article on other blogs likely made more money off it than I did for writing it, which was not difficult to do when it wasn't paying much to begin with and now it's starting to look like I earned $0. (Not even getting into health care/ savings, lack of/ debt.)

But maybe worries are over, because this arrived in one of my freelance writing email newsletters:

Bedwetting Articles Needed - $20

Let's brainstorm some together and make (me) a fortune! If we do two an hour, that's $40/hour, not bad. It'll be just like an episode of Saved by the Bell where Zach has a kooky scheme to make money that for some reason he only employs until they reach their short-term goal. 

I'll get us started. Sarah Silverman was a bedwetter. Top ten hottest bedwetters!

World-in-Terlet Friday Roundup

For the love of all that's good and holy.
It's:
NUKE-
LEE-
AR
!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please. Wouldn't it have been the best if that was one of Biden's rebuttals? If someone can articulate for me why they would vote for a candidate who does not know how to pronounce the world "nuclear," when they heard it pronounced correctly five seconds earlier, please state your case right now.
The fact that President George W. Bush does not know how to pronounce this word is not a valid argument.
Because I just do not understand. I'm really getting bummed out by defenders of Palin. Do they really agree with her that dinosaurs coexisted with humans 6,000 years ago? D U M

Do this simple favor and I will pay you $50!*

A couple of times, readers have expressed that they read this blog to be entertained with the laffs. As a person who jokes frequently, this is the validation I so desperately need.

So if you even half trust my evaluation of what is funny, you MUST do the following. Go to iTunes, go to the podcasts category, and subscribe to the free podcast of The Best Show on WFMU with Tom Scharpling. It's a three-hour show that every Tuesday has me issuing forth belly laughs that can be heard over in the next parish, whatever parish that may be.

I don't have time to get into how many comics and indie rock stars have issued their stamp of approval for the show, just Google it. Tom's show is some of the best comedy out there right now, but it's getting trounced in the ratings on iTunes by no-names like Big Earl and Dukes--which is a new podcast? This is not right. Please help make it right, it takes five seconds to help and your life will be better for it.

Now, I know a lot of you lazy sods will think, When I have three hours I lie around watching TV. When will I ever have the time to listen to that? The shows will be on your iPod, so they're perfect for when you're traveling or commuting or doing some big project. (I listen live at wfmu.org while making an elaborate dinner.)

Thank you in advance!

* I made a typo up there but I will pay you 50 cents If i see you in person**

** I am pretty much a recluse

Taking the Power Back

Aw yeah. We got power back on Friday evening. When it happened, whoops and hollers and cheers and applause and shouts were heard up and down the street. People on lazy strolls ran home, presumably to turn on as many lights as possible.

Unfortunately, Tenny did not fare so well.

RIP, Tenny the Telephone Pole.

Just kidding! Tenny's head was put onto another pole. He got a body lift-- and who couldn't use one of those, am I right, ladies?

Schlitz n Giggles Friday

In an ideal world, I should be the editor of Cheese Magazine--cheese as in cheesy, but hopefully this title would also get me many free samples of gourmet cheeses. Or, if Tom Scharpling decided to make a magazine themed around his term Awfulsome, I would ideally be a writer on their staff.
On the cheesy and awfulsome note, BFF/commenter Meanie T made my week by introducing me to the Utah filmmaker Stephen Groo. Some of you know of my obsession with Tommy Wiseau of The Room fame. But tragically Tommy has only made one full film and one totally bizarro trailer for a TV show. Groo is much more prolific, with more than 100 works under his belt. According to Meanie T, these films are dead serious, not ironic, and they often utilize fresh-faced local Mormons as actors, including numerous Mom-jeaned wholesome younger women.

I've only scratched the surface of the collection, available here on the website, with categories like Drama, Sci-Fi, and Horror, but here's some brief notes on a few I have watched. Some of these works are music videos, such as "The Boys of Summer," which when it says "nobody on the road" depicts nobody on the road, and ditto for the lyric "nobody on the beach." Now, I haven't been to music video school, but I would guess that literal translation of lyrics might be the first thing they tell you not to do. I'm not saying I don't break rules here and there...just saying Groo is a risk-taker. And although there's a comedic thread through other films, there's only one entry in the Comedy category, the perplexing work labeled on the site as "Gardners," which has a minute-long scene depicting Groo inhaling helium. Turns out when you inhale helium, your voice gets all high and weird! Oh, you've known that since you were five? Just sit tight, because the clip then becomes a campus-wide singalong to "She's Got the Look." That's comedy!

There are even parallels in a few movies to my main man Tommy Wiseau: Dialogue from the trailer for Challenge of Faith: "I got a promotion." "What's your new position?" "President." Only it looks like things don't turn out quite as expected...!

Anyway, welcome to a magical wonderland of time-wasting amusement. Thank Meanie T! Her sister went to school with that guy.